I loved you from the first time I saw you I think I was twelve
by Lydia'sLostHead
Summary: What happened before season 3 and Naomily, that made Naomi the sarcastic bitch she is. I am pro Emily so I love perving on her through Naomis eyes ;D I'm working on the following chapters and recently found out that searching for Naomis reasons to be the way she is, means thinking about a main question: "When does childhood end?"
1. beginning with the end

So this is how I'll start my own story not just doodles...

I bet I'm going to be one of those idiots only updating half a year but then three times a week because I appear to have some free time.

As a Naomily-Fan I'm sure we all love that they finally get back together when Naomi is delivering her heart warming speech at Freddies shed.

It always makes me think about what happened before series 3. I've read some quite good stories about that and now I'm going to write my own, even though I'm not sure how well written it will be. For those who haven't read my other story: English is not my first language.

This story won't be too long maybe 10 Chapters probably less, like seven or eight.

Enjoy and subscribe. I want to hear what's on your mind girls, or at least what you're thinking about the following chapter :)

I never had a subscription before so be my first :D

It's all going to be Naomis POV

* * *

"What the fuck kind of lame old rave is this?! I dressed up!" Katie complains with her slight lisp as I step to Freddies door. Cook answers, but he is speaking to low to understand. I can hear shit music playing and JJs muffled voice through the sheds door. They're playing ace of truth. So this is my chance I think while pushing the door open.

"_I will."_

Finally the words are stumbling out of my head, lining up behind my shivering lips. These injured little fellows are only waiting to fall on the floor in front of Emily, my love.

Like ghosts that have spent days, more likely weeks haunting my thoughts.

I guess they started building groups of small anxious sentences, when I set next to Cook, telling him that I love someone, after I kissed him. I felt that I needed, really craved to kiss someone else again, back then. I needed to kiss this someone that I love, who is now standing there next to her sister, staring at me like she'd never touch me again … ever.

Emilies arms are crossed. Her frown tells me "I don't know how you want to fix this, concerning the way you fucked it up!" Yes: I can literally hear the exclamation mark she makes in her thoughts shouting at me.

While my thoughts betray me when I silently answer hers : " Me nether, me nether." But my heart stays brave, which is quite rare lately. It tells me " You have to try or I'll leave with Emily. I'm tired of beading only for your pitiful self."

So I take a deep breath and start speaking:

"_I loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was twelve."_

Not only my lips are shaking. My voice trembles too and I try not to care, knowing I need to tell the things that build up in my mind.

"_It took me three years to plug up the courage to speak to you. And I was so scared of the way I felt ...you know loving a girl … Well I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make me feel normal."_

I can't help remembering how Emily stormed out of my room one day saying "You're always scared." I just try not to be now. Inhaling to go on laying my heart to the feet of the girl I love.

"_I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work."_

She was so disappointed, when she left me that day. Not angry only tired of me.

"_When we got together it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person who could ruin my life."_

Saying this I can feel that my trembling voice gets high and finally breaks. I can't push away the little sob although I try. I'm not ready jet.

_I pushed you away I made you think things were your fault, but really I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl Sofia to kind of spike you for having that hold on me. And I'm a total fucking coward because I got these...these tickets to Goa for us three month ago..._

My voice is breaking again and I see the expression on Emilies face changing. I still fell the pressure weighing on my heart. Maybe its not enough? Maybe she doesn't love me enough. Or maybe I did hurt her to deep. And what if...

Stop! I need to keep on going.

_But I couldn't stand... I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible because really I'd die for you._

It doesn't matter that I can't recognize my own voice anymore.

It doesn't matter that I make my self so vulnerable while they're all listening.

Because I can only see Emily ... her face. Emily Emily Emily.

And I can see the reflection of my pain and maybe the pain I caused her, mingling in her eyes.

_I love you._

_I love you so much it is killing me._

I look at her. There is nothing I can do.

Our eyes meet and I want to kiss that tears on her cheeks away, hold her.

Our gaze breaks.

And Emily takes a little breath and tightens her body in a way that I've seen a hundred times. She does that, I know, when she is being brave, braver then I'll ever be.

She is taking a step closer to me and my heart seems to burst when I can feel her near me again.

I am kissing Emily,

I think.

Like I thought when she first kissed me and made my heart feel like its growing to big for my body.

Emily Fitch did that.


	2. being alone

This is the next chapter ^.^ it has been written a while ago but I'm not sure about it. Finally I've decided to just upload it and change it later on if necessary. The first chapter was very close to the series. This comes out of my head. I have to warn you there is not much speaking here but I hope I can create some interesting characters in the following chapters

I'm searching for a beta. So if anyone of you would like to take a chance I'll be grateful ;)

please review! I'd like to now if you can connect to what I'm writing

* * *

aged 10 5/6

Once I had a mate. A best mate called Mara. Her Dad got a new job in New York. Now she is gone, but we are still writing letters. Sometimes when I'm upset about it my Mum tells me how I met Mara and that I'll always find someone to spend time with...

"And you've still got me Naomi love." She tickles my nose and fakes a disappointed look: "You didn't forget about me?! Did you?"

I'm desperately trying to push her hand away form my face but I'm too distracted by laughing. " Nooo I didn't forget about you...!"

Mum pulls hear hand away and me into a hug so my head rests on her stomach. "But you're still upset that Mara moved away to New York."

I nod my head because I hate crying. It gives me headaches. Mum takes my hand and we sit down on the bench in the kitchen. I lean my head to her shoulder and the vibrations of her voice calm me down as she speaks. " It was your first day of kindergarten. You were so excited, that you started running like a bolt when you could see it at the end of the street. And I felt like a grandma walking slowly behind you."

I chuckle a bit, imagining Mum with white hair and crinkles like an old witch.

" And when I arrived at the kindergarten you were already fighting with a boy that was taller than you and twice your weight."

" That was Frankie. He's such an idiot." The words slipped out of my mouth before I could stop them. So I hurriedly apologize: " Sorry mum!" I can feel how she shakes her head and I bet she is smiling.

"So you were fighting with Frankie then. And I could hear you shout _You can't push her only because she is smaller than you!_ You were so angry."

" Oh yes I was!" I was still mad at Frankie thinking about how he pushed Mara on the concrete.

" Frankie yelled at you that he could do what he wants, because she was his sister and you didn't hesitate a single moment and kicked his shin."

We both laugh a bit. Mum carries on " I thought _Oh no she is getting into trouble on her first day!_ When Maras Mum came running. But when I arrived she just said that Frankie has to learn, when you push someone you might get pushed back. You and Mara were still holding hands and strolled of to do God knows what. And this is how I know that you are good at making friends and always will be Naomi."

Its Sunday afternoon and mum did make me feel better telling me about Mara.

I'm trying to answer her last letter. She is writing about her new class and it seems to be great, while I'm sitting here wishing I could make it be Friday afternoon again. But I can't...

We send us photographs during holidays, of the things we did. On mine there would be me somewhere in the garden, around town or in the woods. Her pictures are showing her with Samantha the girl from next door. She writes a lot about her and I feel stupid admitting to myself that I'm jealous. I push the letter away and grab the wooden sword which leans against the wall behind my door. Its raining but I don't bother putting on a jacket and walk out into the garden with my green hoodie on. It shows a comic shark in the front and I talked Mum into buying it for me because Mara has one like this in red. I'm heading to a grove nearby. By the time I arrive, the shoulders of my hoodie are already soaked with water. I walk in deeper letting my sword flip against the trees I pass. Mara and I used to imagine that our swords were made of magical steel, which would give us the strength to fight dragons and angry ghosts. But the gemstones in them needed to be close, or they would lose their magical strength. I see the wood of the sword getting dark soaked up with rain just like my clothing. It's lost its magic, being just a stupid peace of wood. Tears start falling down my already wet cheeks. Fighting imaginary battles doesn't make very much sense when you are alone, is what I learned this summer, roaming around on my own. I grab my sword and start beating the tree at which we used to meet and make out our latest adventure. Water is dripping from my hands and my fingers feel numb when suddenly the sword yanks in my hands and I can see it sliver. No magical steel for me I think, while throwing it away. Only than I recognize I'm freezing and my body starts shaking from the cold and the sobs that accompany the tears streaming down my face. It turned dark around me and the rain pours down heavy on my head. The trees won't give me shelter and I feel alone.

Maras shoulder was always glued to mine. We would be standing side by side fighting dark knights and her three stupid older brothers. We should have been standing next to each other on Monday. It was the first day of secondary and everybody would look down on me. Mara should have been there so I could have slit my hand into hers and we would have impressed all the others with our adventures. Although we wouldn't need any of them.

But she wasn't there. So I hadn't felt her shoulder next to mine. So I couldn't hold her hand. So I wasn't brave, rambling stupid things. And in the end I did shut up and walked home alone. I was the only one walking home alone on Monday. The others would have their parents pick them up, or friends or sisters or brothers to walk home with them. I walked home alone all week and now its Sunday and tomorrow I'm going to walk home alone again. Not only the icy rain falling down on me hurts, but my body clenching with every sob. By the time I reach the back door I'm completely numb. My whole body is wet and empty and I feel like nothing can ever stay inside me again, because there are lots of wholes in me, so everything just flows out and drains away. I can't write that in a letter to Mara. Can I?


	3. looks like lots of betrayal

So again, I end up uploading a chapter :) I hope you'll enjoy! I finished this one a while ago ( as well) , but I hoped to finally find a beta and upload a corrected version. Unfortunately this plan didn't work. So enjoy anyway :D I'll always appreciate advise. Please subscribe ^.^

* * *

aged nearly eleven

Finally I managed to write an answer for Mara:

Dear Mara,

the last picture of you and Samantha in central park was really funny. I would really like to visit you someday but mum isn't okay lately. She doesn't talk a lot and when she does she laughs too much and doesn't remember the things later. It's a bit scary.

The weather here is shit, but shit in a way that would be great to hunt some ghosts in the muddy woods :)

School is totally boring! So I started to read all of mums books. I don't understand all of it. Most of them are about woman who are strong and stand up for their rights, some things they write are really impressive. Maybe I'm going to join them when I'm older. I'm already a bit excited about my birthday on Monday.

Have fun on your school trip! Camping is surly going to be great and don't forget to send me a postcard :P

dearly your best friend

Naomi

I'm pushing the letter into the letterbox. And start walking to school. I'm a bit late but: Hey, who cares anyway? Except for some idiot teacher. While I walk past the still closed shops I can see my reflection in the dark display windows. My hair is ash blonde with a little honey like hunch, my mum told me once, when we were in the garden sticking our feed in the grass, while spending the rare British sunshine hours outside. I've got skinny arms and the rest of me is thin as well. It's because I grew at least four inches since last summer. Hence I'm taller than most girls and I suppose that's what keeps them from bullying me, which doesn't mean they don't shut me out, because they do. Source of the evil is this stupid Daisy cow. Daisy Clark. She and her pink trousers and flowery hair stuff and glittery nail polish. Summing up all the things I would never wear and really don't need. I mean, playing isn't fun when you can't get dirt on your oh so pretty cloths. I really don't get it. What do those girls do all day when they wouldn't even sit on the ground in summer? But why do I care? I know how to have fun and I'm used to being alone!

People gave me a hard time from the first day of kindergarten, because I'm weird. Some say young children wouldn't do that, but their parents do. And even the dump ones notice instinctively when people treat you like theirs something wrong about you, like perhaps your hippie mum. So I was glad that Maras parents hadn't had a problem with us playing. Lots of other parents would have and I already knew that back than, despite my age. And shamefully I must admit I know Daisy as long as I know Mara, if I could have done something about that I would have, but I couldn't help Daisy being Maras neighbour.

Once we asked her if she wanted to go to the grove with us but her Mother lay her hand on Daisys shoulder and pushed her back into their garden. Ever since she looks at me like she knows something awful about me and would tell it to everyone to keep them save from me. And I assume she does, because no girl at my class uses more than only a few words to talk to me. That's why I sit next to Mick and Will. I think we are going to be friends, because we make jokes in the breaks and play the same things. It's easier with boys because they would never ask how you feel, and that's good when you actually don't know it your self.

Having this thought in my head I push the school door open. The students surrounding me are mostly older than me. During the last week we all got used to not being the old ones any more, but the little fuckers. Half my classmates learned about 30 new words, all swears. I was used to them even before I got in this class. By now I can see all of these classmates sitting at their desks facing the teacher, who seems to just have entered the room. I can see the back of most of the pupils heads at this moment and the better part of them will never be my friends I think, sneaking too my place in the last row.

Miss Bakers attempts to lower the noise in class are amusing and maybe a little pathetic. She's our English teacher and our form teacher as well, but obviously we are the first class she has to organize.

I ironically answers her question: When she looks at me with an annoyed frown she calls over the noise: I didn't mean for her to hear me. Slightly startled I shake my head. The call from the teacher drew the students attention to me and in the end pretty Miss Baker got what she wants: silence. I sigh with relief when she introduces the subject of the lesson and the eyes of the others wander of to the front of the classroom. That's when I happen to have the leisure to take a look around. The grammar stuff Miss Baker writes on the board is not what I'm interested in. I already know what she tries to explain to the rest. Whereas a pink envelope on Claras table seems to be worth a second gaze. Two of the other girls are whispering and Daisy the Devil giggles with excitement. It doesn't take long for them to inconspicuously turn around. They're looking for my reaction but I'm not sure what I should respond to. When they turn back to the front again I don't waste any more time looking at them. I'll know soon enough what's there to be excited about. During the lesson Will and I write little letters and plan what we're going to do the next break. Only when its too late, the expression on his face makes me realize, that once again Miss Baker addressed me with something, I unfortunately didn't hear. Shit, shit, shit... I manage to not say that out loud. Instead an slips out of my mouth. Wonderful Naomi Campbell! These are the moments that assure everybody of your outstanding brightness. t started yet, but will inevitably. Now that the lesson is over they don't bother lowering their voices and giggle and chatter even louder surrounded by the cloud of excitement I noticed earlier on.

You have to know Campbell... Do I?What?Do I really have to know what you're about to tell me anyway?Oh yeah. So I just wanted to tell you that I'm sooo sorry, that I can't invite you to my birthday party. My parents said I can't invite too many people, because it's going to be a pyjama-party. I hope you're not too disappointed, maybe next makes you think I would want to go to your party Daisy?Every body else hell!Naomi?Don't bother I'm gone in a 's not it Naomi. Would you please come to me for a no. I don't want you to think, that I don't get what is going on in my class. But there is only little that a teacher can do about students like if it gets to hard for you, I want you to tell me. I can see that you're strong and through out my time at university I learned that a lot of strong women are loners, just like are always going to be other people that can't deal with your strength. It's never going to be easy for you.I people need to learn one thing: that is asking for help. Naomi, I want you to never be afraid of that! You get me?I got . Now go on, or you're going to be late for arts. I like your ponytail. It makes you look like a strong entrance Campbell! I don't want to now what it looks like at Campbells. Probably they've got holes in all the walls and no proper dining table! That's right and my mum lets me ware my shoes in bed and I don't wash my hands before the meals!What's going on with Mick? The flew. Hey Naomi.I've called your mum because I thought it would be good to tell her what we talked about after the English lesson. Naomi darling, I want to talk to Miss

My mum would have never picked me up, when she is like this.

About her question: I'm not going to wait outside. They enter the staff room without taking a second look at me, so I get my chance to sneak up on them.

I hear Miss Baker say I am a student but I am not .

The feeling of betrayal takes my breath away.

So she wants me to fucking FIT IN too.

I start walking home. They can do what they want.


End file.
